Dear Head Coach Pen Pal...

[Senioritis]

So, I've got this idea to write an email to the head coach of every 2013 opponent the week before they play the Mighty Utes. I'm inspired by loboman on UF.N, who wrote to Whittingham a few times, and actually seemed to get a response. Or he totally suckered me. Either way, I believe this could be fun.

The emails will be good natured, as humorous as the gods inspire, and get in as many underhanded digs as possible. The purpose will be to elicit a response from each head coach, or at least a member of their overworked and grossly under-compensated support staff.

I will use this thread to post each email that is sent, and any resulting replies, however unlikely. I'm wondering if its possible to make Bronco Mendenhall hate fans more than he already does, to offer Rich Rodriguez fashion advice that he uses, to ask for Lane Kiffin's watch when he is dead, to solicit from Todd Graham which illegal substance caused him to take the Pitt job, and so forth.

I seek the counsel of the board regarding this venture. Is this totally stupid, like Y'zGuy level idiocy, or is this an activity worth pursuing for a few giggles and the general good karma of making a student intern's day better by sending an obtuse email that they are forced to read and, uh, file away for future use?

[Jarid in Cedar]

I anticipate a full report each week

[OrangeUte]

This I can't wait for. Senioritis - you are just the man for the job.

My most eagerly awaited letters are to Lane Kiffin and Bronco.

You need a sign off phrase. Eternally yours or something along those lines.

[wally]

I seek the counsel of the board regarding this venture. Is this totally stupid, like Y'zGuy level idiocy, or is this an activity worth pursuing for a few giggles and the general good karma of making a student intern's day better by sending an obtuse email that they are forced to read and, uh, file away for future use?

Is phased-shaving a worthwhile venture? Is the theater? Please, you already know the answer to this question. 100% yes it is.

[LA Ute]

Now that you've proposed this you must do it. Otherwise we will beat you severely about the head and ears. Figuratively speaking, of course.

[Senioritis]

Is phased-shaving a worthwhile venture? Is the theater? Please, you already know the answer to this question. 100% yes it is.

You know, reading this reply, it almost makes me think that you don't respect my decisions regarding the use of my free time.

[Senioritis]

This I can't wait for. Senioritis - you are just the man for the job.

My most eagerly awaited letters are to Lane Kiffin and Bronco.

You need a sign off phrase. Eternally yours or something along those lines.

How about "Stay cute and cool!"

[Senioritis]

How about "Stay cute and cool!"

So really, I'm thinking one of these two:

Your Obedient Humble Servant

or

May death come quickly to your enemies!

[Sullyute]

So really, I'm thinking one of these two:

Your Obedient Humble Servant

or

May death come quickly to your enemies!

I would keep the word "death" out of any communication to an opposing head coach.

[Senioritis]

Alright, here's a draft of a letter for Matt Wells. I'm not so sure this is a good idea, but whatevs:


To: Matt Wells, Utah State University Head Coach and One Hell of a Model American

matt.wells@usu.edu


Dear Coach Wells,

As a supporter of the Mighty University of Utah Utes, I’d like to take this opportunity to wish you best of luck in your inaugural game against our boys next Thursday evening on Fox Sports 1. While my darkest wish is that your team receives the ass kicking of a lifetime, what I expect is a close game between two teams, one of which happens to be the awesomest in the whole world.

I would also like to congratulate you on your new position as head coach of the Aggies. I don’t envy your challenge – recruiting young men to come to school in a place where your body can be frozen as solid as a supermarket turkey in less than 15 minutes for four months per year, but I wish you best of luck. I’m sure you’ll be very successful. After all, you have Chuckie Keeton at QB, which is an advantage for which most first-time head coaches would sell their children to gypsies. So, really, how much did you fetch for them?

I notice from your bio that you graduated from Utah State, which is something not a lot of people willingly proclaim on a public website. You also, evidently, played QB for the Aggies, racking up like 120 yards and less than 1 TD per game, a feat nearly equaled by our own Travis Wilson last season! I also note from your bio that you have given your brother a job as a coach on your staff. Is this because he’s awesome, like Mike Stoops, or is it because you feel obligated to give him a job, like Frank Stallone?

You are obviously a man of great toughness, having accepted a coaching position at New Mexico not once, but twice! That is duty for only the heartiest of souls.

I have heard you interviewed on the radio, and you come across very well. However, I would like to ask you about the sort of faux-cowboy accent that many coaches deploy in our current athletic environment, and which you employ with great aplomb. It’s like a mix between John Wayne in Sands of Iwo Jima and Liza Minelli in Arrested Development. Like a very thick tongue, more than a hint of western twang, and no words longer than two syllables. Like you’d expect to hear in a Dinty Moore Beef Stew commercial. If you’ve ever heard Brandon Doman interviewed (and who hasn’t?!?), he’s a great example of it. So is our main man, Gary Andersen.

Anyway, my question is where does this accent come from? Is it taught at coaching conventions? Is it taught privately by elocution coaches hired by Athletic Directors? Is it thought to engender respect from your team, because who wants to mess with a guy who sounds sort of like a cowboy, or at least like the 4H kids in high school? Or does the accent just happen because everybody starts talking like that, sort of like the newlyweds who end up talking babytalk to each other all of the time? Why do so many coaches sound like the voiceovers in History Channel documentaries of San Francisco Gold Rush?

My wife and I live in Farmington, and we’d love to invite you and your family over for vittles and entertainment whenever you can make yourself available. We will eat some grilled cow (adorned with the finest Cache Valley Cheese!) and perhaps play Settlers of Catan or some such. I can also show you my collection of Utah Ute paraphernalia, stretching back to the dark days of Chuck Stobart.

I know you’re probably quite busy during football season (excepting the week of the UNLV game), so perhaps we should shoot for sometime in January. Farmington is like Cache Valley, except we have what’s known as “inversion,” wherein the air outside becomes as thick and pungent as the refried beans at Taco Time. Also, most of our residents are literate. I think you’d enjoy an evening of family fun in our fine little community.

May death come quickly to your enemies,

Senioritis

[Senioritis]

I would keep the word "death" out of any communication to an opposing head coach.

This is probably sage advice. What a world.

[UtahsMrSports]

Alright, here's a draft of a letter for Matt Wells. I'm not so sure this is a good idea, but whatevs:


To: Matt Wells, Utah State University Head Coach and One Hell of a Model American

matt.wells@usu.edu


Dear Coach Wells,

As a supporter of the Mighty University of Utah Utes, I’d like to take this opportunity to wish you best of luck in your inaugural game against our boys next Thursday evening on Fox Sports 1. While my darkest wish is that your team receives the ass kicking of a lifetime, what I expect is a close game between two teams, one of which happens to be the awesomest in the whole world.

I would also like to congratulate you on your new position as head coach of the Aggies. I don’t envy your challenge – recruiting young men to come to school in a place where your body can be frozen as solid as a supermarket turkey in less than 15 minutes for four months per year, but I wish you best of luck. I’m sure you’ll be very successful. After all, you have Chuckie Keeton at QB, which is an advantage for which most first-time head coaches would sell their children to gypsies. So, really, how much did you fetch for them?

I notice from your bio that you graduated from Utah State, which is something not a lot of people willingly proclaim on a public website. You also, evidently, played QB for the Aggies, racking up like 120 yards and less than 1 TD per game, a feat nearly equaled by our own Travis Wilson last season! I also note from your bio that you have given your brother a job as a coach on your staff. Is this because he’s awesome, like Mike Stoops, or is it because you feel obligated to give him a job, like Frank Stallone?

You are obviously a man of great toughness, having accepted a coaching position at New Mexico not once, but twice! That is duty for only the heartiest of souls.

I have heard you interviewed on the radio, and you come across very well. However, I would like to ask you about the sort of faux-cowboy accent that many coaches deploy in our current athletic environment, and which you employ with great aplomb. It’s like a mix between John Wayne in Sands of Iwo Jima and Liza Minelli in Arrested Development. Like a very thick tongue, more than a hint of western twang, and no words longer than two syllables. Like you’d expect to hear in a Dinty Moore Beef Stew commercial. If you’ve ever heard Brandon Doman interviewed (and who hasn’t?!?), he’s a great example of it. So is our main man, Gary Andersen.

Anyway, my question is where does this accent come from? Is it taught at coaching conventions? Is it taught privately by elocution coaches hired by Athletic Directors? Is it thought to engender respect from your team, because who wants to mess with a guy who sounds sort of like a cowboy, or at least like the 4H kids in high school? Or does the accent just happen because everybody starts talking like that, sort of like the newlyweds who end up talking babytalk to each other all of the time? Why do so many coaches sound like the voiceovers in History Channel documentaries of San Francisco Gold Rush?

My wife and I live in Farmington, and we’d love to invite you and your family over for vittles and entertainment whenever you can make yourself available. We will eat some grilled cow (adorned with the finest Cache Valley Cheese!) and perhaps play Settlers of Catan or some such. I can also show you my collection of Utah Ute paraphernalia, stretching back to the dark days of Chuck Stobart.

I know you’re probably quite busy during football season (excepting the week of the UNLV game), so perhaps we should shoot for sometime in January. Farmington is like Cache Valley, except we have what’s known as “inversion,” wherein the air outside becomes as thick and pungent as the refried beans at Taco Time. Also, most of our residents are literate. I think you’d enjoy an evening of family fun in our fine little community.

May death come quickly to your enemies,

Senioritis

Wow..........that is funny! Well done, sir.

BTW, Viewmont Vikings in 2013!

[wally]

You know, reading this reply, it almost makes me think that you don't respect my decisions regarding the use of my free time.

Are you kidding me! If there were only a way to get you more free time!

[LA Ute]

Are you kidding me! If there were only a way to get you more free time!

I think we should do an IPO so we can have the funds to hire this Senioritis guy full-time to write for this site. Who's in?

[chrisrenrut]

Wow..........that is funny! Well done, sir.

BTW, Viewmont Vikings in 2013!

:highfive:

[GarthUte]

I think we should do an IPO so we can have the funds to hire this Senioritis guy full-time to write for this site. Who's in?

Only if he promises to post scanned copies of any photo he takes with his Polaroid while dining with the opposing coach.

[fuegote]

I never got to enjoy Senioritis on another site so I'm very happy to have seen this letter today. Absolutely hilarious.

[Senioritis]

Alright, I'm sending this thing. I will return and report regarding the form email I receive in return.

[U-Ute]

Epic. I eagerly await his reply.

[OrangeUte]

Oh that was absolutely awesome! The Frank Stallone reference is seriously just terrific! I will keep my fingers crossed that you get a swift reply.

[sharpone]

Bravo sir! Hopefully that gets a reply.

[SgtUte]

You are truly gifted. Glad you are sharing this with all of us.

[Devildog]

That letter is funny as hell.

Senioritis you have skills.

[Senioritis]

No response yet from Matt Wells. I'm guessing the Frank Stallone thing hit a little too close to home.

[OrangeUte]

No response yet from Matt Wells. I'm guessing the Frank Stallone thing hit a little too close to home.

That's what was so brilliant about it.

[Ex'dute]

Still no response? Even a form email sent out by the Aggies' football secretary? That's bad form. It was a brilliant letter! Of course, maybe the problem is that they don't have computers in Logan and Wells never got it.

Please don't be discouraged, Senioritis, and keep the letters coming. I can't wait for you correspondences with Roscoe and Kiffin -- and all the others.

[Senioritis]

Still no response? Even a form email sent out by the Aggies' football secretary? That's bad form. It was a brilliant letter! Of course, maybe the problem is that they don't have computers in Logan and Wells never got it.

Please don't be discouraged, Senioritis, and keep the letters coming. I can't wait for you correspondences with Roscoe and Kiffin -- and all the others.

I remain undeterred.

What I'm wondering is, on the rare occasion where I do not get a brief and personal reply, should I re-send the email and CC the Athletic Director? Or is that just being dorky? I mean, more dorky than I've already decided to be. I am open to the wise input of the Utahby5 community on this point.

[Bacana Ute]

Still no response? Even a form email sent out by the Aggies' football secretary? That's bad form. It was a brilliant letter! Of course, maybe the problem is that they don't have computers in Logan and Wells never got it.

Please don't be discouraged, Senioritis, and keep the letters coming. I can't wait for you correspondences with Roscoe and Kiffin -- and all the others.

All joking aside, do you think our coaching staff would bother from such a letter coming from an Aggies fan? I'm sure the secretary who reads the letters/emails is trained to certainly not forward it on to the coach and in all likelihood to not even bother replying. At least it fulfills the purpose of providing some entertainment for the fans on this site.

[Sullyute]

I remain undeterred.

What I'm wondering is, on the rare occasion where I do not get a brief and personal reply, should I re-send the email and CC the Athletic Director? Or is that just being dorky? I mean, more dorky than I've already decided to be. I am open to the wise input of the Utahby5 community on this point.

That qualifier just knocked my opinion out of consideration, but I wouldn't resend. I agree with Bacana that our entertainment has been met, any response is just the cherry on top. Thanks again.

[U-Ute]

All joking aside, do you think our coaching staff would bother from such a letter coming from an Aggies fan? I'm sure the secretary who reads the letters/emails is trained to certainly not forward it on to the coach and in all likelihood to not even bother replying. At least it fulfills the purpose of providing some entertainment for the fans on this site.

I would hope that such a beautifully written letter, obviously written from a place of lighthearted jest, would be responded to in some fashion. Even if it is just a lame acknowledgment of receipt.

[GarthUte]

No response yet from Matt Wells. I'm guessing the Frank Stallone thing hit a little too close to home.

If you sent you an email, would you bother to respond to you?

[SoCalPat]

I would hope that such a beautifully written letter, obviously written from a place of lighthearted jest, would be responded to in some fashion. Even if it is just a lame acknowledgment of receipt.

Never, and I mean never, underestimate the ability of a coach and those immediately around him to take themselves way too seriously.

In fact, if we get a response from Wells before kickoff, I'd be a bit worried knowing he's loose and confident. First-year coaches are too uptight to engage in this kind of pre-game banter.

As an aside, Senioritis, I'd make it a point to send your next letter to the director of football operations. He'll be more likely to respond on his own than a secretary. Great work and keep it up.

[UtahsMrSports]

Bump. Her senioritis..............where are you on this amigo?

[Senioritis]

To: Jody Sears, Weber State University Men’s Football Coach and One Hell of a Model American

jodysears@weber.edu

Dear Coach Sears,

As a proud athletic supporter of the University of Utah Utes, I wanted to take a moment to welcome you and your players to Salt Lake City this coming weekend. As you know, we are expecting an exciting contest, and I want you to know that there is absolutely no truth to any rumors of us stopping payment on checks directed to Weber State University should you pull off the upset. However, should any of our boys suffer injury, we reserve the right to retain the services of the Shamanic Services Society of Utah to place an unyielding hex on the reproductive organs of your best players. Should be a fun game!

Congratulations on your appointment as full part-time head coach of the Weber State University Wildcats, located in Ogden, Utah. My parents love Ogden. They spent the first 10 years of their marriage there, and they say it always feels like home when they go back. Personally, every time I go to Ogden I feel like I’m 35 years late. Truth be told, I did attend a semester at Weber State, and it wasn’t because I lost a bet.

I must confess that when I hear your name, for some reason I always think of Jordache Jeans. I don’t know why, as I have never worn a pair of Jordache Jeans in public, as far as I know. Perhaps it’s because your last name is Sears, and Sears is probably the only retail establishment at which a fashion-conscious individual can still purchase Jordache Jeans.

I note from your bio that you are a native of Pullman, Washington. I’m happy to inform you that, according to the city website, two persons who wish to remain anonymous contacted Pullman Police on June 28th with information regarding the perpetrators of $2,600 in vandalism to a restroom at the city park. I swear I am not making this up. It is on the front page of the city website right now. My question is: What in the world could a person possibly do to cause $2,600 in damage to a park restroom? Aren’t those things built from old cinder block and degraded Chinese steel? What in the world is going on in Pullman?

I also note that you coached at Washington State for several years. We Utes are big fans of Washington State. We feel a kinship with the Cougars, so much so that everybody we talk to in the PAC 12 calls us the new you! We’re like brothers.

At WSU, you coached with Paul Wulff. I have always been fascinated with Paul Wulff. He seems to me like a sort of Donnie Osmond, only if Donnie had the requisite amount of testosterone. Really, take a look at him. Doesn’t he look like Garth Knight to Donnie Osmond’s Michael Knight? Did you ever shop at Cabela’s with Paul Wulff? I bet he was at Cabela’s at least twice per week, probably skinning bears and drenching himself in elk urine.

Your bio indicates that you were born in 1967. To be perfectly frank, however, your bio picture makes it look like you were born in the 40’s. Seriously. You are a young, verile man, a freaking college football coach, and your bio picture makes you look like a 6-term senator from a made for TV movie. If I were you, I would punch that photographer right in the thyroid at the first convenient opportunity.

My wife and I live in Farmington, and we’d be happy to have you and your family over for a night of fun, whenever you can make your self available. Like you, I have sired five children, so I’m sure you are numb to the dull roar and odd odors that follow a herd such as you and I have harvested from the wombs of their mothers. I’ll cook some cow on the grill, wur wives can share Pinterest tips, and you and I can swap stories of dodging gangs on the mean streets of East Ogden. It should be a blast!

May death come quickly to your enemies,

Senioritis

[Senioritis]

If you sent you an email, would you bother to respond to you?

I'm not sure. Let me try it, and I'll get back to you if I get back to me.

[Senioritis]

Bump. Her senioritis..............where are you on this amigo?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0f6l1QljpMo

[Utebiquitous]

Another rip-snorter from our comic genius. I sure hope one of these weeks a coach responds.

[NorthwestUteFan]

Another rip-snorter from our comic genius. I sure hope one of these weeks a coach responds.

I think the Pirate in Pullman will respond. He seems to enjoy quirky stuff like that.

[SoCalPat]

I think the Pirate in Pullman will respond. He seems to enjoy quirky stuff like that.

If Senioritis can get one to do so and get some notoriety for it, it might be one of those things that coaches (or the people around them) look forward to so they can respond. I think coaches would embrace that kind of silly, good-natured banter with the enemy.

[OrangeUte]

Jordache Jeans! Oh snap that was funny as hell!

[GarthUte]

I'm not sure. Let me try it, and I'll get back to you if I get back to me.

Sounds like a plan. If I don't hear from you by the end of the season, I'll contact you to make sure you haven't been abducted by some sort of extraterrestrial life form, or punched in the groin by an angry student trainer of a college football team.

[Scorcho]

Senioritis,
I know it’s a few weeks away, but I implore you that in your correspondence with Bronco you ask him for a sketching of Tippy the turtle, Max Hall shirtless holding a trident, or at the very least a Chupacabra.

[Senioritis]

To: Mike Riley, Head Coach of the Fighting Beavs and One Hell of a Model American


mike.riley@oregonstate.edu

Dear Coach Riley,

As a fan of the Mighty Utes of the University of Utah, I’d like to take just a moment from your busy schedule to welcome you and your merry band of misfits to our lovely city for the contest on Saturday evening, and by Saturday evening I mean Sunday morning. You are familiar with our fair place of residence, having made several successful trips to Rice Eccles Stadium where the highlight, from your perspective, was probably that the earth did not crash into the sun.

We are excited about a hard fought conference clash. I am concerned, however, about the potential odor of your team laundry, as we have several players who are rumored to have a weakness for “the halfling’s leaf,” as the nerds say. In the spirit of fair play, I would strongly encourage you to make sure that all of your uniforms are given a full Martinizing before the game, to remove any temptation or artificial sense of calm and serenity our players may experience in close contact.

I note from your bio that you are a Corvallis man, through and through, which probably can’t (and shouldn’t) be said about any other human being on the planet. I’ve done a fair amount of research about Corvallis, and I thought I’d share a couple of tidbits with you:



Corvallis, Oregon, has a name derived from the Latin Cor (place of) and Vallis (all kinds of marijuana).
Corvallis has more than 70 traffic signals, many of them electric.
In 1995, Vegan Magazine named Corvallis "One of the 13 best towns in which to be a vegetarian."
Corvallis is the birthplace of National Corndog Day, founded by Corvallis residents Brady Sahnow and Henry Otley in 1992. I swear I am not making this up.
Finally, Corvallis ranks second in the nation for the number of "Scientists as a percentage of total employment" (12.7 percent). Not surprisingly, it also ranks second in the nation on the list of "Percentage of people I don't want to hang out with at a party" (12.7 percent).


It must be a herculean task to keep your players focused, what with all of the scientists and corndogs hanging around in Corvallis. And that’s not even taking into consideration the famous OSU Trysting Tree, under which hippies meet together and, uh, tryst, followed by a long and arduous decontamination procedure. The Trysting Tree is surely a symbol of strength and courage for all proud Beavers, as it is the only tree on campus to have lasted longer than three years without being felled, chopped up into little pieces, and smoked at a Sunday morning drum circle.

When you left Oregon State, and then when you decided to return, that was a little awkward, right? Did they believe you when you indicated interest in returning, or did they think it was some kind of practical joke? I mean, it would be like if Brad Pitt suddenly gave Angelina her walking papers and begged his way back into Jennifer Aniston’s life. Like, who would possibly believe him if he told Aniston he really missed her and wanted to be with her all along? “No really, Corvallis, San Diego was just grody to the max and I couldn’t wait to get out of that hell hole.” Riiiigggghhhhttt.

I must say you seem like a tremendous individual, which is saying a lot about someone who played at Alabama. We Utes have great respect for you. So much, in fact, that I’d like to invite you to my home during any spare time you have on your visit. I live in a “suburb” of Salt Lake called Farmington. I think you’d like it here. We have like four traffic signals and we do our fair share of trysting, if you catch my drift. My wife and I would love to have you over for any vegan meal of your choosing.

May death come quickly to your enemies,

Senioritis

[Rocker Ute]

Senioritis, if you don't start getting responses from the coaches, would it be okay if I wrote responses of what I think they might say? I only ask that because I'm sure they would love to respond but just don't have time with their busy schedules and all.

[Rocker Ute]

Or maybe I just want to respond for Bronco... either way.

[Senioritis]

Senioritis, if you don't start getting responses from the coaches, would it be okay if I wrote responses of what I think they might say? I only ask that because I'm sure they would love to respond but just don't have time with their busy schedules and all.

I would welcome your replies. I am starting to believe that maybe the highly successful people that become head coaches of college football teams don't have a lot of time for grab-ass. Pity.

[Rocker Ute]

I would welcome your replies. I am starting to believe that maybe the highly successful people that become head coaches of college football teams don't have a lot of time for grab-ass. Pity.

I thought grab-ass, or at least opportunities to say grab-ass, were why most people got into coaching. I have much to learn.

[jdart]

I would welcome your replies. I am starting to believe that maybe the highly successful people that become head coaches of college football teams don't have a lot of time for grab-ass. Pity.

Loboman always got responses to his emails to Whit, because they were short and easy to respond to. I fear your lack of responses may be based on the length of your emails. But please don't change that, they are comic gold.

[LA Ute]

Maybe board members should submit responses to all of these. I'd love to see Rocker channeling Bronco, for example.

[OrangeUte]

This is the best letter yet! The Latin origins of Corvalis was awesome. Dammit senioritis keep it up. It may take several letters over several seasons but you will get responses of you're persistent. This is just awesome!

[Senioritis]

To: Bronco Mendenhall, Head Football Coach of the BYU Cougars and One He** of a Model American

Email: Unable to locate on the Interwebs, unlike with every other coach in America, so submitting through some random form at BYUcougars.com. Apparently Coach Mendenhall’s email has received a tidal wave of unsolicited communications through the years. I blame Brandon Gurney.


Dear Coach Mendenhall,

Greetings! As a rabid yet sober supporter of the University of Utah football team, I’d like to extend my salutations and express my excitement about the game this coming Saturday evening on ESPN2. We Ute fans are looking forward to the contest, albeit with a bit of a vexed countenance. This is, after all, the first road game of the 2013 season, and we are nervous about again invading the confines of Lavell Edwards Stadium where our boys were just barely able to scrape out a 6 touchdown victory the last time they visited. I’m sure you’ll agree that it’s going to be tough to top that!

As a Ute fan, I would personally like to apologize for the attire and behavior of the suspenders-clad individual who heckled you so classlessly after you lost to Utah yet again last year. I’m sure even he feels badly about it, and regrets the mistake. But we all make mistakes, right? I mean, you hired both Brandon Doman and Jaime Hill, so you understand.

Although I am a proud fan of the University of Utah, I believe you and I share much in common. For example, we both absolutely despise the BYU fan base. Also, we both probably swear more than our co-religionists would be comfortable with. Which leads me to an important question: What is the genesis of the phase “SHUT YOUR ASS!”? Also, what is the meaning of this phrase? You are the only individual I have ever seen use this phrase on national television, so I thought I’d ask. Probably not a question you’ve ever been asked by Greg Wrubell, but something the world needs to know.

You continue to enjoy great success as the coach of the mighty Cougars, which frankly I have a difficult time comprehending. How you continue to operate a program at such a high level with the massive restrictions placed upon your players is a thing of wonder. Your guys operate under more rules and regulations than the Benedictine Sisters of the Petit Picpus in Les Miserables. Have you read that book? If we decided to stage it, I think Jamaal Williams would make an adorable Marius, while someone from the honor code office could certainly play a very convincing Javert. And, of course, Reno Mahe would be Eponine.

So what’s up with you and defensive backs? It seems you can trot out any unrecruited, random, angry 5’10” descendant of Scandinavian pioneers or 5’6” African American in your defensive backfield, and that guy will make plays like he’s Brian Urlacher. It’s either coaching, luck, or, in my honest opinion, black magic.

And regarding guys with a chip on their shoulder, a word on Max Hall. I think he may be the only BYU player whose actual physique would perfectly match a bobble head made in his likeness. To your knowledge, has Max ever had one of those caricatures drawn for him at an amusement park? Can you imagine the size of the paper the artist would have to use to make the proportions correct? It would be like a mural! A giant, classy mural full of joy and probably also a fair amount of angst.

You have surrounded yourself with a great staff, not just as coaches, but as people. I saw on Twitter the other day that they all stopped to help a woman change her tire during some sort of lunchtime walking group, sort of like the kind that old ladies form to take laps inside the mall. My question about that is, if it takes five of your offensive coaches to change the tire on a 2003 Corolla, how many does it take to recruit a quarterback that would rank in the top 100 in passing?

You command the good ship Cougar at a very interesting time. For example, the result of the Utah game seems to be pretty much the only thing that your fans and players care about this season. What a reversal! There’s no shame in this, as I spent the majority of my youth caring solely about the outcome of the rivalry game, but I never imagined the shoe would be on the other foot, or whatever. From National Championship to “Just Beat Utah” in the span of 30 years. Stunning!

From a fashion standpoint, you are a firm, supple man, at least as far as I can tell from close scrutiny in ESPN HD. I’m wondering, then, if there’s something in your contract with Nike that demands that you wear a polo shirt that is three sizes too large for you? Or does the mid-forearm sleeve length just make you feel like a pirate, so you stick with it?

I note from your bio that you attended Oregon State University. What a fine institution of higher learning that place is, boasting the singular accomplishment of keeping Gary Payton eligible for four years.

I also note from your bio that your first name is actually Marc. That came as a surprise to me. A good Christian name, Marc. Nothing odd at all about that one. You are aware that, in this country, it is common for individuals to go by their first given name, correct? Sure, there are some who elect to go by their middle name, but usually not when their middle name is also the name of a large, hooved mammal. Like, not a lot of guys named John who elect to go by Rhinocerous. Just a thought, maybe something for you to look into during the offseason.

My wife and I live in Farmington, and we’d love to invite you and your family over for a night of food and games. I know you’re pretty swamped during football season, especially with Middle Tennessee and Idaho State coming to town in the same year, but perhaps we could hook up in January? You can regale me with stories of your victories in the Vegas Bowl, my wife will make a mean pan of peanut butter bars, and I will preach the freaking truth on Just Dance on the Wii.

May death come quickly to your enemies,

Senioritis

[OrangeUte]

"You continue to enjoy great success as the coach of the mighty Cougars, which frankly I have a difficult time comprehending. How you continue to operate a program at such a high level with the massive restrictions placed upon your players is a thing of wonder. Your guys operate under more rules and regulations than the Benedictine Sisters of the Petit Picpus in Les Miserables. Have you read that book? If we decided to stage it, I think Jamaal Williams would make an adorable Marius, while someone from the honor code office could certainly play a very convincing Javert. And, of course, Reno Mahe would be Eponine."

THAT IS CLASSIC!!!

[uteinlogan]

:rofl:
To: Bronco Mendenhall, Head Football Coach of the BYU Cougars and One He** of a Model American

Email: Unable to locate on the Interwebs, unlike with every other coach in America, so submitting through some random form at BYUcougars.com. Apparently Coach Mendenhall’s email has received a tidal wave of unsolicited communications through the years. I blame Brandon Gurney.


Dear Coach Mendenhall,

Greetings! As a rabid yet sober supporter of the University of Utah football team, I’d like to extend my salutations and express my excitement about the game this coming Saturday evening on ESPN2. We Ute fans are looking forward to the contest, albeit with a bit of a vexed countenance. This is, after all, the first road game of the 2013 season, and we are nervous about again invading the confines of Lavell Edwards Stadium where our boys were just barely able to scrape out a 6 touchdown victory the last time they visited. I’m sure you’ll agree that it’s going to be tough to top that!

As a Ute fan, I would personally like to apologize for the attire and behavior of the suspenders-clad individual who heckled you so classlessly after you lost to Utah yet again last year. I’m sure even he feels badly about it, and regrets the mistake. But we all make mistakes, right? I mean, you hired both Brandon Doman and Jaime Hill, so you understand.

Although I am a proud fan of the University of Utah, I believe you and I share much in common. For example, we both absolutely despise the BYU fan base. Also, we both probably swear more than our co-religionists would be comfortable with. Which leads me to an important question: What is the genesis of the phase “SHUT YOUR ASS!”? Also, what is the meaning of this phrase? You are the only individual I have ever seen use this phrase on national television, so I thought I’d ask. Probably not a question you’ve ever been asked by Greg Wrubell, but something the world needs to know.

You continue to enjoy great success as the coach of the mighty Cougars, which frankly I have a difficult time comprehending. How you continue to operate a program at such a high level with the massive restrictions placed upon your players is a thing of wonder. Your guys operate under more rules and regulations than the Benedictine Sisters of the Petit Picpus in Les Miserables. Have you read that book? If we decided to stage it, I think Jamaal Williams would make an adorable Marius, while someone from the honor code office could certainly play a very convincing Javert. And, of course, Reno Mahe would be Eponine.

So what’s up with you and defensive backs? It seems you can trot out any unrecruited, random, angry 5’10” descendant of Scandinavian pioneers or 5’6” African American in your defensive backfield, and that guy will make plays like he’s Brian Urlacher. It’s either coaching, luck, or, in my honest opinion, black magic.

And regarding guys with a chip on their shoulder, a word on Max Hall. I think he may be the only BYU player whose actual physique would perfectly match a bobble head made in his likeness. To your knowledge, has Max ever had one of those caricatures drawn for him at an amusement park? Can you imagine the size of the paper the artist would have to use to make the proportions correct? It would be like a mural! A giant, classy mural full of joy and probably also a fair amount of angst.

You have surrounded yourself with a great staff, not just as coaches, but as people. I saw on Twitter the other day that they all stopped to help a woman change her tire during some sort of lunchtime walking group, sort of like the kind that old ladies form to take laps inside the mall. My question about that is, if it takes five of your offensive coaches to change the tire on a 2003 Corolla, how many does it take to recruit a quarterback that would rank in the top 100 in passing?

You command the good ship Cougar at a very interesting time. For example, the result of the Utah game seems to be pretty much the only thing that your fans and players care about this season. What a reversal! There’s no shame in this, as I spent the majority of my youth caring solely about the outcome of the rivalry game, but I never imagined the shoe would be on the other foot, or whatever. From National Championship to “Just Beat Utah” in the span of 30 years. Stunning!

From a fashion standpoint, you are a firm, supple man, at least as far as I can tell from close scrutiny in ESPN HD. I’m wondering, then, if there’s something in your contract with Nike that demands that you wear a polo shirt that is three sizes too large for you? Or does the mid-forearm sleeve length just make you feel like a pirate, so you stick with it?

I note from your bio that you attended Oregon State University. What a fine institution of higher learning that place is, boasting the singular accomplishment of keeping Gary Payton eligible for four years.

I also note from your bio that your first name is actually Marc. That came as a surprise to me. A good Christian name, Marc. Nothing odd at all about that one. You are aware that, in this country, it is common for individuals to go by their first given name, correct? Sure, there are some who elect to go by their middle name, but usually not when their middle name is also the name of a large, hooved mammal. Like, not a lot of guys named John who elect to go by Rhinocerous. Just a thought, maybe something for you to look into during the offseason.

My wife and I live in Farmington, and we’d love to invite you and your family over for a night of food and games. I know you’re pretty swamped during football season, especially with Middle Tennessee and Idaho State coming to town in the same year, but perhaps we could hook up in January? You can regale me with stories of your victories in the Vegas Bowl, my wife will make a mean pan of peanut butter bars, and I will preach the freaking truth on Just Dance on the Wii.

May death come quickly to your enemies,

Senioritis

[LA Ute]

I have no words....

817818

[smitty]

I note from your bio that you attended Oregon State University. What a fine institution of higher learning that place is, boasting the singular accomplishment of keeping Gary Payton eligible for four years.


Well done sir. Well freaking done.

[concerned]

Terrific. One comment: Mark is a good Christian name, as in the King James Bible. Marc is a Latinate name, subversive, pagan, and probably inspired by the devil himself. Self explanatory here.

[NinerUte]

:clap:Hilarious!

[pangloss]

823

[tooblue]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7N87uxyDQT0

I just can't tell if senioritis is the truck driver or the hamster? Go Cougs, beat Utah!

[Senioritis]

Shockingly, no response yet from Bronco Mendenhall.

However, I did see the letter to Coach Mendenhall in my Facebook feed this morning. That was kind of weird.

[Utebiquitous]

Your best yet Senior. This one must be archived somewhere. Even our Y brethren have to be laughing just a little. I'm pleased with the subtlety you approach that contest we just scraped by in the last time in LES.

[U-Ute]

Senioritis on top of his game during rivalry week.

Bravo sir. Brah-vo.

:clap::cheers:

[Rocker Ute]

I'm not sure why this came in my inbox, but I think this is for you Senioritis.

----------------

Dear Senioritis,

Shut your ass.



Yours in the Gospel,



Coach Bronco Mendenhall




Dictated but not read.

BM/sce

[LA Ute]

I'm not sure why this came in my inbox, but I think this is for you Senioritis.

----------------

Dear Senioritis,

Shut your ass.



Yours in the Gospel,



Coach Bronco Mendenhall




Dictated but not read.

BM/sce

:rofl:

[U-Ute]

I'm not sure why this came in my inbox, but I think this is for you Senioritis.

----------------

Dear Senioritis,

Shut your ass.



Yours in the Gospel,



Coach Bronco Mendenhall




Dictated but not read.

BM/sce

Brilliant response from whomever sent it.

[UBlender]

{Meanwhile in Westwood, poor Jim Mora Jr just sits by his computer checking his inbox for that one special email.....}

[Senioritis]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0f6l1QljpMo

[Sisyphus]

Sad Trombone :(

[LA Ute]

From what I've seen of Jim Mora, Senioritis may be pretty wise not to poke that bear. Chris Foster, the L.A. Times UCLA beat writer, says Mora's baseball cap always looks like it has been screwed on. I agree.

851

[Sisyphus]

I listened to the UCLA radio show on the way home from work last night. Mora Jr. is all business and really impresses overall.

"No detail is so small"
"You never 'got it'"
"The goal is build resilience to handle any situation"

This is not your Neuheisel team that folded like a tent with some adversity. Get ready for a well coached, disciplined and solid team. Oh, and they have UCLA talent too...

[wally]

From what I've seen of Jim Mora, Senioritis may be pretty wise not to poke that bear. Chris Foster, the L.A. Times UCLA beat writer, says Mora's baseball cap always looks like it has been screwed on. I agree.

851


I screw on my baseball caps. I also wear a curved bill much like Coach Mora, as it is the most effective method of shielding your eyes from the sun, which is the purpose of wearing a cap in the first place. Just check out Jim's shaded eyes in the pic for evidence. I really dislike the new "straight bill" fad. Also, no-one should tuck their ears into their hat. If your ears are cold, just wear a beanie for hell's sake!!

[Freaky Girl]

I am loving these, Senioritis!! Thanks for the ongoing entertainment.

[Senioritis]

To: Jim Mora, Head Coach of the UCLA Bruins and One Hell of a Model American.

joliver@athletics.ucla.edu

Dear Coach Mora,

As a die hard Utah Utes fan, I would like to take this opportunity to invite you and your merry band of beastly men to our fair city. All of us die hard Utah Utes fans are really looking forward to the contest this evening, and praying with all of the fervor which we can muster for the heavens to open with a hellacious storm of hail, ice, and mighty whirlwinds. So far, we appear to be SOL.

On behalf of practically everyone in the PAC 12, I’d like to congratulate you for your success with the Bruins, and strongly encourage you to take the next opportunity fulfill your continuing lifelong ambition to become a successful coach in the NFL. We’ve seen what you’ve done at UCLA so far, and we’ve pretty much already had enough of all of this taking a perennially soft, underachieving program and turning them into a bunch of asskickers. Seriously, it’s been fun having you. Can’t wait to watch your teams in the NFL, hopefully starting in like 4 months.

If you do choose to “stay at UCLA until retirement” (bwaaahaahaaa!!!!) like you’ve indicated in the past (allow us a moment to wipe away a few tears of helpless laughter), I’d like to strongly advise you to stop coming to Utah to recruit our remarkably strong and athletic Polynesians. Seriously, you have like 50 million people in the greater LA area from which to field a football team, so keep your eyes in your own freaking dugout. In past seasons, we’ve been forced to start walkon punters at linebacker, and we still have done our share of busting things up, so don’t test us. Stay out. You keep coming around here with your hot coeds, amazing weather, quality education, home games at the Rose Bowl, and we’ll be forced to yell insensitive things about your player’s hygiene during the games. Our insults can be very hurtful. You have been warned.

I note from your bio that your given name is James Lawrence Mora, which is a different given name than your father’s given name of James Ernest Mora. Why in the saintly name of Rick Majerus, then, do people call you Jim Mora Jr? I am an undying advocate of the growing movement that holds that the respectful term “Junior” be reserved for guys who actually have the same name as their fathers. Do you like being called Jim Mora Jr, or is it something that you’ve just lost control of, so you don’t fight it? If you do encourage this gross violation of etiquette, YOU SIT ON A THRONE OF LIES!

Speaking as someone who hopes to become your publicist when you move to the NFL in three months, and also as someone who seeks to protect the sacred nature of the term “Junior,” I think you should change your name to Larry Mora. Two benefits of this – 1) Nobody will call you Junior. 2) People might not realize that you’re the same dude who got canned by the Seahawks after one year.

Also, major bonus if you can get your old man to go by Ernie Mora. The whole Junior thing would be deep sixed forever and you could call your dad Ernie.

I also note from your bio that you’ve spent significant chunks of your life in Seattle and San Francisco. You seem like a grounded, manly guy full of the requisite amounts of testosterone and just decent human-like characteristics, which is not uncommon in the inhabitants of Seattle and San Francisco that I have personally witnessed. Most of them wear nothing but black turtlenecks, use freshly pressed basil oil for deodorant, and believe that dressing a pet up for Halloween is the apex of the human experience. How did you, then, keep from becoming totally shmarmy?

During your time at UW, you were a Lambda Chi, which I guess seemed like a good idea at the time. If you are honest with yourself, looking back, would you have joined them if you knew John Tesh was also a Lambda Chi? Personally, I wouldn’t have joined the human race had I been forewarned about John Tesh, but I wasn’t given much of a choice.

And do you know who else is a Lambda Chi? Woody Freaking Paige!!! If there is one member of the media that deserves my shiny size 10 Adida right up cozy in his netherregions, it ‘s Woody Paige. Noisy, caustic, thinks he’s the story, white guy fro like the Greatest American Hero, dressed his dog up as Miss Piggy for Halloween. He’s like all the worst of Seattle and San Francisco, topped up with the smugness of Boulder. Thanks a lot, Lambda Chi.

Anyway, my wife and I live in Farmington, about 20 minutes north of the SLC. I know it’s short notice, but we’d love to have you up for warm pumpkin bread and delicious sipping cocoa following the contest this evening. You can tell me all about your shmarm repellent, and we’ll play with my Woody Paige voodoo doll. RSVP regrets only!

Sincerely,
Senioritis

[Sisyphus]

During your time at UW, you were a Lambda Chi, which I guess seemed like a good idea at the time. If you are honest with yourself, looking back, would you have joined them if you knew John Tesh was also a Lambda Chi? Personally, I wouldn’t have joined the human race had I been forewarned about John Tesh, but I wasn’t given much of a choice.


That's HOF right there!

[LA Ute]

Most of them wear nothing but black turtlenecks, use freshly pressed basil oil for deodorant, and believe that dressing a pet up for Halloween is the apex of the human experience. How did you, then, keep from becoming totally shmarmy?

:clap:

[Utebiquitous]

I'm now ready for the game. Bring on the Bruins! Well done Senioritis.

[Solon]

I'm now ready for the game. Bring on the Bruins! Well done Senioritis.

Yep. This is a fantastic thread dedicated to the awesomeness of senioritis.

[Viking]

Impressive John Tesh to Greatest American Hero link (Connie Selleca).

[OrangeUte]

This one was terrific senioritis! The John Tesh stuff was awesome!

[Katy Lied]

Lovely.

[LA Ute]

Lovely.

I wish you would post here more often.

[Senioritis]

Jeez Louise, this David Shaw guy doesn't give you a whole lot to go with. Three sport athlete in college, pretty cool coaching history, coaches at freaking Leland Stanford University. Pretty slim pickens. I'm thinking this particular letter will be quite succinct, to the great disappointment of four or five faithful readers. C'est la vie.

[Senioritis]

To: David Shaw, Head Coach of the Leland Stanford University Football Team and One Hell of a Model American.

Email: dshaw@stanford.edu


Dear Coach Shaw,

Greetings!

As a proud supporter of the Mighty University of Utah Football Team, I would like to take this opportunity to state that I sure hope you don't just totally kick our asses this weekend.

May death come quickly to your enemies,

Senioritis

P.S. Andrew Luck looks like a Geico caveman.

[Jax]

Jeez Louise, this David Shaw guy doesn't give you a whole lot to go with. Three sport athlete in college, pretty cool coaching history, coaches at freaking Leland Stanford University. Pretty slim pickens. I'm thinking this particular letter will be quite succinct, to the great disappointment of four or five faithful readers. C'est la vie.

These are great. I trust that Rich Rod will give you ample material.

[U-Ute]

These are great. I trust that Rich Rod will give you ample material.

You're making it difficult not to look forward to the Wazzu game.

[OrangeUte]

You're making it difficult not to look forward to the Wazzu game.

Definitely. The pirate letter is going to be the best jerry, the best!!!

[Senioritis]

To: Richard Rodney "Rod" Rodriguez, Head Coach of the Arizona Wildcats Football Team and One Hell of a Model American

Email: mmelendez@arizona.edu

Dear Coach Rodriguez,

As a loyal fan of the University of Utah, I’d like to take this opportunity to let you know of our excitement about the contest this coming Saturday. As you are no doubt aware, we Utes are looking forward with anticipation to our first road game of the season. Yes, we played at BYU, but we win there so often they ought to paint our freaking logo on their field in permanent ink and let us use the home locker room.

Anyway, I would like to congratulate you on your success at the University of Arizona. You’ve taken what’s perennially been a strong defense and pathetic offense, and totally reversed it in a span of just two seasons! We Utes have been on both sides of the coin, and your side is a lot more fun!

I note from your bio that you began your collegiate head coaching career at the NAIA/Division II level at Salem (1988) and Glenville State College (1990-96). If you are honest, how much more difficult were those respective conferences than what you faced in the Big East?


I was unaware until I read your bio that you were the head coach at Michigan. Funny, you’d have thought that perhaps there would have been something in the national media about that, but they seemed to keep it relatively quiet.

Okay, actually, I was aware of your, uh, tumultuous stay in Ann Arbor. If tumultuous were people, your stay in Ann Arbor would be China!

In fact, I was in attendance at your first game as head coach at Michigan, where Utah wore your collective asses like a hat! Good times. That Michigan is a passionate fanbase, for sure. I can’t tell you how many times I heard one of their fans yell something like:

"Oh Porterhouse, look at the wax build up on these shoes! I want that wax stripped off there, then I want them creamed and buffed with a fine chamois, and I want them now. Chop chop."

I also note that you are a graduate of the West Virginia University, which I believe indicates that at the age of 22 you could spell your name phonetically and were prepared to work hard labor in a bituminous coal mine.


But now you find yourself in Tucson, which, of course, is native Hohokam for “Place where it looks like they filmed Three Amigos.” As you know, Tucson is like 120 miles south of Phoenix, which I assumed would put it in the middle of Nicaragua or something. But no, it’s still in Mexico.

I’m intrigued to learn that you, Rich Rodriguez and your wife, Rita Rodriguez, have two children, Raquel Rodriguez and Rhett Rodriguez. Wow! There are more Rs in your family than at a Pirate Convention! <rim shot>

I will be in attendance this weekend, after driving 12 hours in a 15 passenger van with my wife, five children, another couple, and their four children. I am not making this up. 12 hours in a 15 passenger van with 9 children. I’ll be as relieved to get to Tucson as I’m sure you were after those hoity toities at Michigan symbolically attached your testicles to a spike and marched them around campus.

Anyway, I’m certain that you’ll be able to detect the palatable stench in the air emanating from the visitor’s section due to our insane road tripping decisions. I apologize in advance. As a token of my condolences, I’d like to invite you to join us after the contest for a late night run to the laundromat, and also a session of frantically searching for last minute flight deals from Tucson to Salt Lake on Sunday morning.

May death come quickly to your enemies,

Senioritis

[LA Ute]

How is it possible that you keep outdoing yourself week after week? Pure gold.

[OrangeUte]

The Nicaragua comment is absolutely hilarious! I love it!

[Senioritis]

To: Ed Orgeron, Reigning Coach of the USC Trojans Because Lane Kiffin Could No Longer Fulfill His Duties, and One Hell of a Cajun American

Email: orgeron@usc.edu


Dear Coach Orgeron,

Greetings!

As a broadly enthusiastic fan of the University of Utah football team, I’m writing a quick note to express my excitement about the contest this Saturday between our sputtering Ford Focus and your broken down Maserati. It should be a great contest!

I was in attendance the last time Utah took on the Trojans at the Coliseum, and I had an absolutely lovely time. I haven’t been patted on the head and talked down to with such politeness since I was seven years old at my father’s Rotary convention. But, we sure showed your guys, huh? We almost covered the spread!

I think my enduring memory of that game was that, for some reason known only to God himself, the USC administration gave a live microphone to a male USC cheerleader. Not just at a quarter break, or during halftime either. Nope. They give a male cheerleader a live microphone for the entire freaking football game. 60 minutes on the clock, 60 days in reality. I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say that if I had heard one more half-hearted, slightly effeminate rendition of the “Go, beat the Utes,” cheer that evening, I would have charged the field and placed that microphone firmly within the confines of that male cheerleader’s undercarriage. Then I would have bought him a drink.

But anyway, hope there are no microphones this weekend. No need to incite a love connection. Also, might want to check out the cleanliness factor in the restrooms. They were designed by the Army Corps of Engineers in 1906, and they closely resemble any of the dozen convenience store restroom options in Baker.

On another note, what the hell is up with your kicker? I mean, I learned long ago to never trust a kicker, but if I were to trust a kicker, he’d have a foreign sounding name and a jersey number like a fullback. Andre Heidari, #48, would be a guy you think you could trust, but he’s 6 of 11 on the year? 6 of 11? He misses a few more, and his success rate will about equal yours at Ole Miss! But, I assume you have it under control, as everybody knows the best way to help a fragile, struggling kicker is to make him compete with a walkon in practice for a week. If that ain’t a sound strategy for turning Andre into Gus, the field goal kicking jackass, I don’t know what is.

I learn from Wikipedia, which is always correct, that you currently live in a hotel. We Utes are no strangers to coaches who live in hotels! The patron saint of Ute sports, even the honorable Rick Majerus, lived in a hotel here for like 15 years. Legion are the tales about that hotel room, including bathroom televisions for in-defecation film sessions, room service orders totaling five digits, and a radioactive pile of BVDs in the corner of the room that, as far as we know, is now being used to advance the field of chemical weaponry. Needless to say, Rick got a lot of chicks.

I, like most of America, am fascinated by your Bayou background. My only exposure to the Bayou has come from cinema, and when I say cinema I mean “The Waterboy.” In fact, my fantasy football team has been named The SCLSU Mud Dogs since I started playing fantasy football, which also marked the exact moment when I stopped having friends. But anyway, if your guys somehow shock the world and defeat the Mighty Utes this Saturday, what would it take for you to start your press conference with an energetic “Compliments of Captain Insano!?”

Frankly, you’ve been placed in a bit of a tight spot. You came back to USC as Farmer Fran to Lane Kiffin’s Henry Winkler, and then ol’ Lane did a bunch of Lane Kiffin stuff, and then, the earth cooled. And, then the dinosaurs came, but they got too big and fat, so they all died, and they turned into oil. And, then the Arabs came and they bought Mercedes Benzes. And, Prince Charles started wearing all of Lady Di's clothes. I couldn't believe it, he took her best summer dress out of the closet, and put it on, and went to town. And now here you are, the interning head coach at one of college football’s most storied programs, and you’ve got like 45 scholarship players left, and only 40 of them are 5 star guys, and only one of them is a foreign-sounding kicker. How in the name of John Robinson are you supposed to win with only 40 5 star guys?!??!

It sort of reminds me of when Ulysses S Grant became President. You know, a long history of drunken debauchery, some limited success in the south, a few years of just kicking everyone’s ass in an important but secondary role, and then, hey, we need a President, everybody hates the current guy so much they can taste it, and this guy coached Cortez Kennedy and Warren Sapp in 1989, so why not give him a chance? And, in my opinion, you’ve done even better than US Grant could have at coaching USC. I really mean that.

Your bio on the USC website describes you as “one of the most popular assistant coaches in USC history” in the first sentence. It doesn’t include a “Whoopity Freaking Dooo!,” however.

Finally, a proposal for you. Seeing you interviewed and then fusing your schtick with your last name, I think we could do a very charming reimagining of Shrek together. We set it in your hometown, or in Natchidoches wherever the hell that is, and you’re the ogre, and Lane Kiffin is the donkey, and Pat Haden is Lord Farquaad, and Oprah is Princess Fiona, and after a stormy acquaintance period, you all overcome your differences and join your forces to rip the live microphone from the dainty hands of the fairy tale creatures on the sideline without compromising your own standards of virtue or societally-defined gender roles.

I think it’s a winner. I’m sure you’ve got another gig coming up soon, but if you can find a window, I’m guessing Kiffin and Haden will be plenty available in the foreseeable future. Let’s make this happen!

May death come quickly to your enemies,

Senioritis

[kccougar]

What, no dinner invite?

[Senioritis]

What, no dinner invite?
He's quite large. I don't want things to get ugly by grappling for food at the dinner table.

[OrangeUte]

Great job senioritis! The opening bit about the feminine male cheer leader and the microphone was awesome. This is good stuff! Anytime you can fit in a waterboy reference you are rocking some good stuff!

[Freaky Girl]

ROTFLMAO!!! My favorite so far.